Consent To Life
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: The damage Tony has accumulated over the years is catching up with him. There's a way to fix him, but he's not sure he even wants to be fixed.


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise. **

**Challenges listed at the bottom. **

**Word Count** \- 3409

* * *

**Consent To Life **

* * *

Tony rubbed a hand over his face. He was so _tired, _but his to-do list was never ending. Everytime he thought he'd made some headway, FRIDAY informed him of another thing to add to the bottom.

He'd been awake for somewhere close to sixty hours, and he couldn't sleep now. He had to be at a meeting in just a few hours with his old teammates and that was yet another thing he just _wasn't ready for. _

"Tony?"

"Hmm? Oh. Hey, Honeybear."

Rhodey walked slowly into the room, his leg braces giving off a very quiet whirr as he moved.

"Have you slept at all?" Rhodey asked, taking in the wildly messy hair and the dark bruises beneath Tony's eyes.

"Don't worry about me, Sour Patch," Tony replied quietly. "I'm just busy at the moment."

"There's busy, and then there's killing yourself slowly," Rhodey chastised gently. "Come on, bedtime."

"I can't."

"You can."

Tony shook his head. "Really can't. Got that meeting with… got that meeting in a few hours. So… literally cannot go to bed now."

Rhodey grumbled under his breath and then nodded to the sofa. "You can come cuddle on there with me. I'll make sure you're up in plenty of time to go to the meeting, I promise."

Tony hesitated and Rhodey tugged his arm, decidedly not even letting Tony contemplate saying no. Tony moved with Rhodey and slumped into his side as soon as they were on the sofa, his eyes drifting shut almost immediately.

…

Bags hidden by a liberal application of makeup, hair tamed into submission, Tony stepped into the meeting looking much more put together than he felt. The others were already there, sitting on the opposite side of the table to where Tony placed his briefcase by a chair.

Rhodey and Carol took the seats on each side of Tony, and for a moment, there was silence in the room.

"You asked to see me," Tony said eventually, when nobody spoke. "My time isn't infinite, so if we could get straight to the point, that would be fantastic."

"It's good to see you, Tony," Steve said quietly. He was directly facing Tony, and Tony was having a hard time looking at him, even though, Steve was all he could see. The others were silent, trusting in their Captain to get them whatever information they were here for.

They might as well not be in the room for all Tony paid them attention.

He raised an eyebrow for Steve to continue.

Nodding sadly, Steve leant forwards onto the table a little. "Coulson has filled us in on all the changes to the accords and in the team structure. You've certainly been busy."

Tony nodded. "Someone had to be. Seriously Rogers, I have actual things that I need to be doing, so if you asked me here for nothing, can we just… be done?"

"I asked you here to find out why, in every single file I was given on the new structure of the Avengers Initiative, you aren't listed as an active member?"

"I retired."

"Bullshit."

Tony blinked and then glanced at Rhodey, who was glaring across the table at the 'rogues'.

"I retired," he repeated, shrugging. "Believe that or don't, but that's why I'm not listed as an active Avenger. For the moment, I'm still listed as a consultant because I'm still in charge of the tech for the team."

"You love being Iron Man," Steve argued. "Why would you stop? If this is about me, about what happened, what I did, then I'll… I'll step back, Tony. You were… you were born to be Iron Man. I've taken enough from you, I won't take this too."

Abruptly, Tony stood up, picking his briefcase up. "I'm done here. Iron Man is retired, that isn't going to change no matter what you think will fix that. Colonel Rhodes and Colonel Danvers will go over everything you need to know about the current structure of the Avengers and anything else you're unsure about."

He turned away from the table and stepped towards the door.

"Tony," Steve called.

Tony stopped, but he didn't turn around.

"I'm sorry."

…

"You look rough."

Tony startled and spun to see Clint sitting at the breakfast bar, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. They'd officially moved back into the compound almost a week ago, but Tony had been busy enough that he hadn't run across them.

"Thanks," he replied dryly, ignoring the way Clint's eyebrow raised slightly at the visible flinch Tony had given when he'd spoken.

"You look tired," Clint added, looking closer. "And you've lost weight."

"Is it pick on Tony day and nobody told me?" Tony asked, filling his mug with coffee.

"I noticed when we saw you at that meeting the other day but… I guess it's more obvious now that you're not wearing your Stark uniform."

Tony paused. "Stark uniform?"

"Yeah. Suit, sunglasses, resting bitch face. That's Stark. Tony is… Tony is hair a mess, grease marks, tank tops and an easier smile. It's been a really long time since I've seen Tony."

Tony stared at him for a long moment. "Huh."

"I know you said you didn't want apologies or… but I am sorry."

Tony frowned.

"For what I said to you, on the raft," Clint clarified. "And for never even bothering to ask you what you were fighting for. Cap called and I just… I just answered, because I think… I think the farm life isn't for me, as much as I like to pretend otherwise.

"I was angry at you for a really long time but… I don't think you ever really gave me a reason to be angry, you know? I should have been angry at myself but…"

"It's easier to blame me," Tony said quietly, filling in the blanks. "I know that, Barton. I'm a pro at being angry at me."

"I'm sorry," Clint repeated, meeting Tony's eyes. "For all of it."

Tony nodded. "I'm sorry too. I never wanted to fight you. Any of you."

Clint smiled slightly. "Families fight, right? They still love each other."

…

Tony, Rhodey and Carol were sitting in the kitchen when Steve joined them, looking a little uncertain of his welcome. The other Avengers slowly migrated in, until almost every seat at the table was filled.

Slowly, Tony was getting used to the compound being full again. His workload was still full, and he didn't spend much time around the team, but he could manage sitting in the same room as them without too much effort.

He was so tired of fighting.

"What are you doing today, Tones?" Rhodey asked. "We've got a full day training, but we can catch a movie later if you're free?"

"I've got to meet Helen in," he checked his watch, "twenty minutes. And then R&D for the rest of the day most likely. They've got some new toys they want to run by me. Movie sounds good though."

Carol grinned. "Dibs on choosing the movie."

Tony shook his head. "Not a chance, Danvers. You'll have us sitting through some sappy rom-com, and won't even let me complain about it."

She snorted. "Better than the action movies you two always choose. Explosions do not automatically make something better."

"Course they do," Tony, Rhodey, Clint and Sam argued as one.

Tony laughed and Rhodey grinned

"You lot have fun," Tony said, downing the last of his coffee. "Don't overwork the poor dears. They're probably a bit out of shape."

Clint rolled his eyes. "Could still take you, old man."

Tony looked at him for a long moment before he nodded. "Likely. But none of you have seen Carol in action. I might have to have FRIDAY screen it for me while I work. I could use the entertainment."

…

"You're dying?"

Tony startled as Clint banged into the media room. The others all looked at him, frowns on their faces. Clint paid no one else any attention, his eyes on Tony.

FRIDAY had informed Tony that Clint had been in the vents during his meeting with Helen, and that he'd heard the discussion the two of them had had. This… this was still unexpected. Tony hadn't expected him to pull Tony on it in front of the team.

"Everyone is dying, Barton," Tony replied quietly. "If you're living, then you're dying, that's just a fact of life."

"Tony."

Tony rolled his eyes at Rhodey. "Okay, so I'm more _actively _dying than some, yes."

Steve sat up, and the other's all looked at Tony, the movie on the screen long forgotten.

"What's going on?" Steve asked. "I don't understand."

"You wondered why I stopped being Iron Man," Tony said with a sigh. "I've taken a lot—too much—damage over the years since Afghanistan, and, as much as my mind is very much still up for the good fight, my body isn't."

"But what's actually wrong with you?" Nat asked quietly. "Is there anything that can be done about it?"

"Helen and I are looking into a few options," Tony confirmed. "But the only feasible option is… well, I'm not sure it's worth it. So long as I'm not using the suit, and I don't get hurt, I still have a while to work on it."

"The option?" Steve asked.

"Not worth discussing," Tony replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I was looking forward to this."

He nodded at the screen. From the corner of his eye, he saw Steve open his mouth to protest but Rhodey shook his head. For the rest of the night, Tony could feel eyes on him. It wasn't the most comfortable movie.

…

"I'm sorry for eavesdropping on you," Clint said, the following day. "It honestly wasn't intentional."

"I know," Tony replied quietly. "And I wasn't hiding anything really. I don't… I'm not bothered that you know. I was never going to be able to keep it quiet for long anyway, I guess. Rhodey's been bugging me to tell you guys."

Clint nodded. "So, the extremis? That was the non-feasible option you were talking about, right? Why can't you use it?"

"I don't… want too," Tony admitted. "As much as I enjoy being Iron Man, I've always prided myself on being human, you know? Extremis… there are a lot of things to take into account with it. I don't know if I want to deal with the consequences."

"Dr Cho said about the life longevity."

Tony grimaced and nodded. "Yeah. It's… I don't want to live that long, Clint. It's not a… death wish or anything, I just… who wants to be lonely for so many years, you know?"

"Steve—"

"Is no longer an option that I want to discuss," Tony cut him off quickly.

"The two of you used to—"

"Clint, please. I… I can't. Not after everything."

"Okay," Clint replied softly, holding his hands up in surrender. Tony smiled thankfully at him.

Before the accords and Barnes, Clint had been the only one that had seen the developing… something, between Steve and Tony. He'd teased the genius about it continuously, but he'd also shipped it so hard it was slightly embarrassing.

When the shit hit the fan, Tony had been glad that only Clint had really seen it; the pity otherwise would have been unimaginable.

"I don't want you to die," Clint whispered then, and Tony sighed, leaning into his friend.

"I'm not going anywhere just yet, Legolas."

…

"Tony?"

Tony spun his chair around to look at Steve, standing by the door to the workshop. "Hmm? What's up, Cap?"

"I… thought you might be hungry," Steve hedged. "And I haven't been to Tracy's for… a really long time."

Tracy's diner had been a regular haunt for the two of them _before. _Especially when Steve didn't think Tony was eating enough.

"Oh. I. Erm." Tony glanced at the holograms around him. "I probably can't."

Steve's face fell and Tony's gut clenched.

"If you don't mind waiting for, maybe an hour or so, I can probably do it then. I gotta finish up these specs first."

Steve smiled and nodded immediately. "I'll wait," he promised.

"Well, you can either," Tony waved at the low couch in the shop, "or I'll have FRIDAY alert you when I'm ready to go."

"I'll just wait here," Steve replied, sitting on the sofa.

Tony watched him for a long moment before he turned back to his work. It was kinda surreal having Steve there again. It had once been a familiar picture and Steve would spend hours at a time on that couch, his black sketchbook balanced on his knees, a pencil or a piece of charcoal in his hand.

Forcing himself to focus, Tony turned his attention to the specs he'd been working on.

…

Things were almost back to how they were before, and it was messing a little with Tony's equilibrium. Steve had taken that first day's permission as a blanket one, and once again, set up home in Tony's workshop.

Barton was often around, tugging Tony away from his work to watch movies or play video games or to just razz on each other.

Nat brought him food and coffee often, and of course, Rhodey and Carol were around all the time.

It was almost good even. Except, the first call for the Avengers came in and Tony was halfway to the suit deck before he remembered that he wasn't actually going with them. Never had he understood Pepper better than he did waiting for Rhodey to call him and tell him that everyone was safe.

Tony _hated _it.

It made him think even harder on the solutions that Helen was pushing. Extremis would heal his many injuries, would put him back into pitch perfect condition to don the suit and join _his team _out in the field again.

They'd stabilised it enough to be sure that he wouldn't start burning things up but with the combination of Extremis and nanotech, he wouldn't be fully human. It would make him almost half cyborg in a way. He'd be like a technological version of a super soldier.

All good things, on paper, but in reality, absolutely terrifying.

Tony hadn't been lying to Clint. He didn't want to live forever. While the Extremis didn't grant immortality, it did rapidly slow aging, and with the regenerative properties… he'd be exceedingly hard to kill.

And then he got kidnapped.

…

Each blow to his body threatened to be the last, and Tony knew he was going to die. It didn't matter how quickly the team got to him, he knew that this damage would be too much. He wouldn't heal from it.

He didn't even know who it was that had taken him, didn't know the reason for the kidnapping.

Didn't know what he was going to die for.

Too late, Tony realised that he wasn't ready for death. Too late, Tony realised that he _wanted _to live.

…

"He's waking up."

The hushed whisper made Tony turn his head instinctively as he opened his eyes. Rhodey sat beside his bed. He looked tired and worried and Tony didn't like it. He hated that a lot of the lines on Rhodey's aging face were because of him.

Oddly, Tony himself felt fine. Better than fine even. It was almost like—

He sat up rapidly. "What did you do?" he asked, eyes zeroing in on Helen, standing at the bottom of the bed.

"You consented to it," she said, staring right back at him. "You told Steve that you didn't want to die."

Tony had no memory of even seeing Steve, let alone telling him anything of the sort, but he couldn't imagine that the super soldier would lie.

He took a moment to take stock of the changes in his body. It was weird to not be in pain. He'd been in pain for so long that it almost felt like he was missing a body part now that he wasn't in pain.

"You've run the scans?" he asked Helen, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"Of course I have. FRIDAY is also running a continuous scan on you for now, while we make sure that it's all stabilised the way it's supposed to."

"How long?"

"Three days," Rhodey said quietly. "When Steve got you here, it was almost too late."

Tony rubbed a hand over his face. "Okay. I… okay."

…

"We were just going to head to the hospital," Steve said, when Rhodey and Tony stepped into the compound.

Tony smiled. "Well, unless you're visiting your other favourite genius, there's no need."

Steve stared at Tony for a long moment. "You look better."

"That wouldn't be difficult," Rhodey muttered. "The mess he was in."

Clint crossed the room and threw himself at Tony, lifting his legs. Tony held him easily, and they both laughed.

"You want me to carry you over the threshold, Merida?" Tony offered, adjusting Clint into a bridal carry with little effort.

"Super strong Tony is going to take some getting used to," Clint replied. "I'm glad you're okay."

Tony squeezed him gently before setting him back down on his feet. Nat stepped forwards and kissed his cheek. Steve still hadn't moved, hadn't taken his eyes off Tony.

"Cap? You okay?"

The words seemed to shake the soldier and he nodded. "I, yeah. I'm fine. I. I'm just going to—"

He cut himself off and walked out of the room, leaving Tony to stare after him. "Um. Was it something I said?"

Nat shook her head. "The last time he saw you, you were dying in his arms, Tony. Of course seeing you like this is going to mess with his head. Just… give him a little while, kay?"

"Uh, sure. I'm gonna go down to the workshop anyway. I'll see you guys later."

…

Tony stretched, more out of habit than necessity. He'd been in the workshop for… a while, and he needed to not look at the holograms for a while. He moved silently through the compound in the dark, heading for the media room automatically.

He wasn't surprised to find it already occupied—the compound was home to many an insomniac—but he was a little surprised that the occupant was Steve.

Tony slumped down on the sofa beside him. "What's up, Steve?"

"Hmm? Just couldn't sleep," Steve replied with a shrug. "It happens."

Tony nodded because he knew that feeling intimately. "You look like you need a hug."

"I keep seeing you, whenever I close my eyes," Steve admitted quietly. "On the floor of that warehouse. I… Tony, I thought you were dead."

"You saved me," Tony replied simply. "I'm right here, Steve, because you saved me. You got me home."

Steve nodded, his eyes haunted. "Yeah. I… you deserve the truth though."

Tony frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't tell me that you wanted to live. I… I couldn't lose you and so when I got back, I told Helen and Rhodey that you did so that Helen would use the Extremis, but you didn't. I was selfish, I know I was selfish Tony, and I'm sorry, except I'm not because even if you hate me at least you're alive to—"

"Shh," Tony said, reaching a hand up to caress Steve's cheek. "It's fine. Please don't feel bad about this, Steve. If I'd been conscious when you arrived, I would have given my consent, okay?"

"But I—"

"Saved my life."

A single tear fell onto Steve's cheek. "I'm so sorry for everything, Tony. I never… I never wanted to hurt you."

"It's in the past," Tony said firmly. "We've been getting on okay, haven't we? These last few months?"

Steve nodded.

"Then there's nothing to be sorry for, okay? The past is done, and we'll learn from it and be stronger because of it."

"I've missed you," Steve whispered, tugging Tony into a hug. "So much."

Tony hesitated slightly and then pressed a kiss to Steve's cheek. "Nothing will ever break us completely, Steve. We've always been better together. Always."

…

Things weren't completely fixed, and Tony didn't know if he and Steve would ever be back on track to become more than what they were.

As he soared over New York with his suit wrapped around him though, Tony wasn't too worried about it.

It'd happen the way it was supposed to happen.

Tony would be around long enough to find out.

* * *

**Written for: **

Funfair, North - How many - Jar of Beads - "You look like you need a hug."

Funfair, East - Pie Eating - Banana Cream: Hurt/Comfort

Funfair, South - Lazy River - Black


End file.
